


Goodbye.

by uselesstrash



Category: SHINee
Genre: Character Death, Depression, Please don't read this if this topic is too difficult for you, Please look after yourselves, RIP Jonghyun, Story based on and around song lyrics, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, This story is in no way accurate, based on recent events, trigger warning, you did well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-18
Updated: 2017-12-19
Packaged: 2019-02-16 16:18:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13057626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uselesstrash/pseuds/uselesstrash
Summary: A tribute in the only way I could.Rest in peace, Jonghyun.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'd just like to start of by putting a disclaimer.  
> 1) I, in no way, own any of the characters in this story.  
> 2) This story contains suicidal thoughts, followed by eventual suicide so if these topics are too sensitive for you, please leave now. And if you decide to read on please take care. 
> 
> Honestly, I don't even know if I'm qualified to write this. I don't know what kind of person Jonghyun is and what he's been through. I don't even know if I'm a real Shawol. SHINee was one of the first kpop groups I ever listened to 7 years ago, as my friend who introduced me to kpop was a massive fan. I've always appreciated their music but that was as far as my connection with them went. However, when Lee Hi released Breathe and I saw that it was written by Jonghyun, I regained interest in the group. I started listening to more of their solo songs and watching them on variety shows. However, that was about as much as I got into them. When I heard of Jonghyun death, as someone who has dealed with depression and anxiety for the past 5 or so years (with some periods much worse than others), it hurt me a lot. And so I needed a safe way to release that pain, and that's how this story came to be. 
> 
> It was written in about 20-30 mins and is in no way meant to depict how Jonghyun definitely felt. Instead, the events in this story are based on how I imagine someone may feel in this kind of situation. I mean no harm.

Jonghyun had only been 15 years old when he packed his bag and moved to Seoul on his own. 'I'm going to become a singer' he told his mother proudly as he packed everything he owned into two large suitcases. He'd gotten a part-time job over the long holidays and every won he earned went into his 'My future' savings account.

 

'Being a celebrity is tough Jonghyun. You can always come back home if things get hard son' his mother repeated to him for the whole month before he was scheduled to leave.

 

Unlike other kids, while his mother believed that being a singer would be difficult, she supported Jonghyun as much as she could. She had a steady job so she couldn't physically leave and move to Seoul with him, but she did all she could in her power. She leased an apartment for him and even offered to pay for all his living expenses.

 

But Jonghyun was stubborn, if he was going to become a singer, he was going to do it on his own. While he couldn't lease the apartment under his name as he was a minor, he decided to take care of all other expenses on his own.

 

And so, grabbing his two suitcases, he hugged his mother and sister goodbye and boarded to the train to Seoul.

 

It didn't take Jonghyun long to adapt to the city life. Two weeks after he arrived in Seoul, Jongyun auditioned for various companies, and he was accepted by SM Entertainment as a trainee. From there onwards, everyday became a routine. He would wake up, head to he company, practice all day, return home and sleep.

 

Every day was the same, except for the one day every month when the evaluations tooks place. Due to his talent and dedication, Jonghyun achieved good results and improved at a steady rate. It didn't take him long to get grouped with some of the top trainees who were almost guaranteed a spot to debut.

 

Three years passed, as Jonghyun spent almost every day doing the same routine. He watched kids come and leave the company. Just as he started to get tired of every day being the same, the company made an announcement. A new boy group was going to debut. Their name was going to be SHINee, and Jonghyun was a confirmed member. This brought drastic changes to Jonghyun's life and he temporarily forgot how exhausted he was mentally from living a repetitive and unsure life.

 

Jonghyun moved from his apartment to the dorms and the five members of SHINee started to practice for their debut. During the time they spent together in the dorms and practice rooms, the members of the group formed close relationships and bonds. Jonghyun told them everything about his 18 years on Earth and they did the same.

 

While it wasn't at the level of the senior groups in their company, Shinee still had a successful debut. Hectic schedules filled with variety shows, music performances and concerts filled much of Jonghyun's first few years since debut. He didn't have time to do or think about much else. 

 

However, as time passed, Jonghyun changed. Despite all the success and fame he had, Jonghyun was lonely. Yes, the other members were always close, but Jonghyun felt a lonliness that not even they could erase.

 

**_I’m so lonely so lonely_ **

**_I feel like I’m alone_ **

 

He'd never been overly cheerful, but the mental exhaustion that came with the constant spotlight and the pressure that came with his fame changed Jonghyun into a different person.  He didn't 'glow' anymore as he'd been told during his trainee days, and sometimes it was hard just waking up in the morning and going to his schedule. However, instead of getting a break, his schedule only grew. With his success as a member of Shinee, both in Korea and Japan, SM decided to promote him a solo artist.

 

**_I can’t cry all I want or even laugh all I want_ **

**_I’m not used to seeing myself like this_ **

 

Instead of sleeping Jonghyun spent many nights curled up, spirling into depression. Every day made it worse, and he knew he had to get help. But Jonghyun also knew that his status as a celebrity as well as the negative attitude towards mental health would only make things difficult.

 

**_If I say that things are hard with a crying face_ **

**_Will it really get better?_ **

**_If I cry and say it hurts, who will have a harder time?_ **

 

As Jonghyun's descent into depression grew, he realised that it started having an effect on his members. Due to his constant mood changes as well as lack of response to humour, the other members started acting more cautious towards him. Seeing their discomfort only made him isolate himself more, made him want to disappear more.

 

**_I’m so lonely so lonely_ **

**_I feel like I’m alone_ **

**_When I see you so tired, I worry_ **

**_that I’m baggage to you, that I’m too much_ **

 

However, as he continued to isolate himself, the members only grew more cautious and started to worry more. 'Are you ok hyung?' they would ask. 'Do you need something?' they would ask. 'What's wrong?' they would ask. Seeing the members worry only made Jonghyun feel more guilty. He was making his members stressed and unhappy. They were all like this because of him.

 

And so Jonghyun decided to put on a front. Faking smiles and laughter, he would shake his and head and always reply with the same answer 'I'm ok. Everything is ok'

 

**_I don’t want to make it obvious to you_ **

**_I’m used to just holding it in_ **

 

Jonghyun was a good actor. An excellent one in fact. This front he put up almost even convinced him that he was ok. And so months passed as Jonghyun started to return to the man he used to be. If he made mistakes on stage, he convinced himself it was ok, mistakes were made to happen.

 

**_It’s alright if you run out of breath_ **

**_No one will blame you_ **

**_It’s okay to make mistakes sometimes_ **

**_Because anyone can do so_ **

 

However, Jonghyun didn't realise that while he almost believed himself, his members and fans saw right through him. They started compiling his interviews where he would talk about the difficulty of life as well as the lyrics he would write. Watching these compilations, Jonghyun realised that while he'd fooled himself into thinking he was ok, his subconscious knew that he wasn't ok and was trying to seek out as much help as he could.

 

One day as Jonghyun was watching these videos and reading comments, he finally broke down. It was in this moment that his members came to him and hugged him as they watched him with worried expressions. For half an hour no one said anything as Jonghyun just curled up and was completely lost in thought.

 

No matter how hard he'd tried to convince himself, he finally realised that he'd never been good enough. He left home at a young age to become a singer, a musician, an artist. And while he achieved fame, none of the music he made ever satisfied him. He felt like a disappointment, not being able to achieve the one thing he'd spent all his 27 years of life on mastering. 

 

And with these thoughts in mind, Jonghyun returned to reality. Putting on one last fake smile, he told his members he needed time to think and he left. Looking at the members as he left, he almost told them everything. However, before he could start talking his body had already moved out the house and to his car.

 

**_There was so much I wanted to say_ **

**_but I couldn’t say anything_ **

 

Once in his apartment Jonghyun looked around and he knew he couldn't do this anymore. He couldn’t bring himself to wake up and live one more day like this.

 

**_Breathing, opening my eyes every day,_ **

**_barely getting through each day_ **

**_I couldn’t tell you that those things were harder than dying_ **

 

And so, he sent his sister a final goodbye message. He menally thanked the SHINee members for all they’d done and hoped they’d continue on well after he left.

 

And then he closed his eyes.

 

**_At the end of a tiring day, even if the sun has already come up_ **

**_I’m finally closing my eyes_ **


	2. Chapter 2

_**What can I say. Just tell me I've done well. That this is good enough** _

_**That I’ve worked hard. Even if you can’t smile don’t fault me on my way.** _

_** You did well, you worked hard. Goodbye. ** _

_**\- Jonghyun**  _

 

 

Sometimes on the outside a person may seem strong, happy, confident. But on the inside, they are anxious, nervous and hesitant.

There will always be a time when every person will doubt themselves.

'Will I pass my exams? Will I get the job? Will I achieve everything I want? Have I worked hard enough?'

 

Sometimes, as time passes, these occasional doubts can become constant thoughts. Always nagging at the back of their mind.

'I'm going to fail the exam. Fail the job interview. Fail at everything I want to do. All because I can't put in proper effort and work. I'm so bad'

And as even more time passes, these are no longer mere thoughts at the back of their mind. 

They become the person's reality.

The person starts to forget who they once were. The them from 10 years ago seems like a character from a novel. Unreal. Impossible.

 

And with these internal changes, come external changes.

As the person's mentality starts to change, it becomes reflected in their actions and personality.

And this change, as subtle as it may be, can cause their friends to become distant. 

This change may be too much for these friends. Unintentionally they may start to drift away.

And it is during this period when the person is the most lonely.

The most afraid.  

The most isolated. 

 

It's during these times they need someone by their side to reassure them.

'Yes you will pass. Yes you will get the job. Yes, you will achieve everything you want. Yes, this is more than enough. You've worked hard.'

 

And so please, even if for a moment, please stop and take a moment to think about all the people in your life.

Whether they're friends, family, co-workers, the random person you always see on the train at the same time, or the old lady that is always walking her dog at exactly 5:45pm.

Think about them, and appreciate them. Their presence. Their existence.

And next time you see, give them a smile, a hug, a handshake. And tell them this one thing.

Today, you did well. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You did well, Jonghyun.


End file.
